Malaise

on Oct22 2013

From the French … ‘mal’, which means ‘bad’, and ‘aise’, which means ease. Malaise. To be ill at ease, discomfited.

Or so I read somewhere. I think.

I’ve been doing a fair bit of thinking these past several weeks, and the conclusion I’ve come to is hard to argue against. Things are going to have to change around here.

If you look at the dates for some of my posts in the archive, you’ll notice that this activity has been going on for a fairly long time. I still re-read some of those from time to time, just so I can view a snapshot of what I felt I was going through at that moment when it came to writing, or life, or just being a guy who was having weird thoughts in general. They were useful, because not only did they force me to continue writing regularly, but they also kind of put me on the spot. Set a deadline for yourself, miss it, and announce it to the world … well, it doesn’t feel good. Makes you want to hit that target next time, work a little harder.

And then one day I realized how hard I’ve been working at some things, how much progress I’ve been making at others, and I asked myself “Hey, exactly how necessary are these rather arbitrary updates to your website?” You know, this whole Monday/Wednesday/Friday thing I forced myself to do one week, and then just carried on doing for a few years.

I’m not a big fan of doing something just for the sake of doing it. There’s got to be a reason for it. Right now I’ve got many, many reasons to have a website to advertise to the world some of the things that are going on with me, what with some of the amazing things that have happened in the past year and a bit. Is it this particular site, in its current incarnation? More and more, I’m starting to doubt it.

Which isn’t to say I won’t be throwing together updates and posting random thoughts from time to time – I could no more do that than I could simply decide to stop breathing one day. (Won’t try that again … ugh. Curse you, air addiction!) I just feel that I’m doing myself a disservice by having a website that only seems to focus on weekly something-or-others I force myself to write.

Moreover, the look and feel of the site hasn’t changed since I started it. Sub-sections that began as placeholders for other stuff have become semi-permanent monuments to ambition thwarted by the old, familiar thought of ‘I’ll get to it. Soon.’ Those aren’t the sorts of things you want lurking around, especially when you’re working hard and trying to kick some ass. Even the most dedicated worker gets frustrated and wants to give up if you put a long enough to-do list in front of them.

It’s gratifying to know that there are people out there who read what I write, and who take me seriously as a writer. Looking at my website in its current form, as well as the extent that I use it, well … maybe it’s time I did the same.

So, change is coming. I won’t promise when, and I can’t say how much change will happen. I won’t even say it’ll be better than it is right now. But it will be different. I’ve got some new priorities, and it’s time to shake off some old habits, make some new ones.

For those of you who enjoyed dropping by and checking out whatever weird randomness I discovered coursing through my head, well, I’m sure there’ll still be some of those from time to time. And the archives, of course … I’ll definitely be hanging on to everything I’ve already posted. This isn’t the end. Who knows? I may end up doing something you find even more interesting and engaging.

Stranger things have happened.

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